Lessons at the Pump

Last night, on my way home from work, I stopped to get gas. (I wish the story ended there, but that would make for a much less poignant Facebook note)

I was in a hurry, attempting to make it to soundcheck on time in preparation for an amazing night at church, so the last thing I needed was a man coming up to me as I attempted to pay with my debit card at the pump. I had inserted my card and was selecting my fuel grade when he appeared at my side.

He spoke in broken English and seemed very frantic; apparently, he had paid inside and then gotten into the car and drove away, forgetting to fill his tank. According to him, if I continued, I was going to be filling my tank with his prepaid gas, and he wanted me to come inside so the clerk could confirm that his $10 was still on my pump; I needed to find another available pump in the already overcrowded gas station.

Blame Lakewood, or the fact that a man had been shot point-blank in the head right around the corner from my office the afternoon before, or call me paranoid – but I immediately doubted his motives. I didn’t have time for this, and I certainly didn’t want to move my car to another pump so that he could fill his tank on my credit card because I naively believed his “prepaid story”. This seemed like something I would hear about on the evening news – the next big scam. So, I had to go inside to confirm before I did what he was asking me to do.

And as we proceeded with figuring this mess out, I became someone I successfully avoid becoming on a consistent basis; I treated him like the nuisance I felt he was.

I sighed heavily, and repeatedly. I went inside with him but avoided eye contact; I was irritated and inconvenienced and I checked my phone persistently… I was a complete and total brat. And I knew it. Something whispered, but I suppressed it.

I was agitated that he was “so tired” from work that he had gotten into his car after paying and drove off like a complete flake. (More whispering)

I was dismissing the man’s apologies with a half-hearted smile. I was agreeing with the clerk, who was barking at the poor man that he “couldn’t babysit his pump” if he had left by mistake, and it was the man’s problem and not his. I ignored the tiny tinge of guilt I was feeling and reminded myself that this was not my fault. I was just being cautious in not trusting his story. Right?

When the clerk confirmed that the pump in question was still ready with his prepaid $10 and had not read my debit card after all, I knew at this point that I was doing the right thing by moving my car, and that the man was genuine in his mistake, but I had yet to change my attitude. Stupid pride.

I glanced at my cell phone, confirming that my five minute stop for gas had turned into a twenty-five minute ordeal. Crankiness prevails, overshadowing the quiet whispering going on inside.

I stomped back to my car, muttering “yeah, it’s okay. Its fine.” to his persistent apologies and repeated confirmation that, in fact, it was his fault and not mine. I filled my tank and he filled his; he attempted to make nice with friendly chatter. I had no interest in chatting it up. The minutes ticked by, and I was in a hurry. I thought about the other gas station up the road and how, ironically, I had chosen this one at the last minute because it was a few cents cheaper. Go figure.

But, my naturally sparkling personality (haha, and by “naturally sparkling personality”, I mean Jesus) got the best of me. My heart softened almost instantly. I became sympathetic, and I sincerely accepted his apology as I got back in my car, smiling to let him know I was no longer angry. I felt guilty, but knew I had to leave graciously… God wouldn’t allow me to drive away after treating this stranger like a complete and total jerk. I raised my hand in a sheepish wave, and told him to enjoy the sunshine and the rest of his night.

I got into my car, but before I shut my door, I heard the last words out of his mouth.“I’m so very sorry. Drive carefully… God bless you and keep you.”

OUCH.

Now, I’m late for soundcheck, guilt-ridden and teary-eyed as I make the five minute drive to my house.

What a complete idiot I had been. This poor man probably had just as stressful of a day as I had. Who am I to place myself so far above him? My time was not more valuable than his.

He had made a mistake that I know I am capable of making – or will make in the future. He may have been spending his last $10 on gas. I would have been just as concerned about the $10, too, so why was I so quick to allow irritation to set in? Why didn't I joke with him about how that sounds like something I would do, or tell him to just be grateful he didn't drive away with the pump still in his car?

“What if you’re the only Jesus that someone will ever see?” This hadn’t been in my mind until I drove away… but obviously, it had been in his.

Ouch, ouch… OUCH.

I know we’re human, I know we made mistakes, and I know we’re saved by grace – but wow. What a reality check for me, on this beautiful Wednesday afternoon. What kind of a representation had I just been?I know I didn’t blatantly disrespect him or cause a scene, but it was worse in my mind because I knew, deep down, that I wasn’t handling the situation as I would have liked. I was aware of the whispering going on inside of me, but left it at that: I was just aware.

Everyone is fighting a battle, and everyday, we’re faced with decisions. We can treat someone with the impersonal carelessness of the world, or we can treat people – no matter what the situation – with our gifted dignity and grace. Unfortunately, falling on my face was the only way to remind myself of this. It was His way of telling me to slow down. Everyday is another opportunity to love, and to shower people with compassion and understanding. I had missed this chance, but I won’t miss another. Living in fear, in the best sense of the word, is just a great thing. A good fear will make us aware of our chances, and the importance of choosing the right direction when we come to a “fork” in the road.

I know I missed yesterday’s opportunity, but that just means that the next time someone makes a mistake and I’m faced with a decision, I can walk confidently down the right path. He made the mistake, and I was the one who learned the lesson. I love how that works.

The Dream Center

I'm so excited! I just found out that I will be going on our church's Youth Mission Trip this summer, to L.A.'s Dream Center, as a female leader/counselor.

If you don't know what the Dream Center is, check out their website. The Senior Pastor, Matthew Barnett, came and spoke to us several months ago at one of our UnitedONE nights, and completely changed my world. I cannot wait to spend a week there, with people from home, serving God and loving His people. It's going to be life-changing. I didn't think it would work out for me to go, but funds and vacation time fell into place today - and now I'm on my way.

SO excited. God is doing big things in L.A., and I'm exited to go experience everything that He has in store for us!

About The Dream Center

Overcoming Fear

I love when I have realizations; always God-inspired, and usually a completely humbling moment. I had one this morning... journey with me, won't you?

The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.

Exodus 14:14 (NIV)

In the MSG version, it's a little more abrupt, which I love:

God will fight the battle for you. And you?
You keep your mouths shut!"

God had instructed Moses to lead the Israelites out of Egypt, to free them from oppression. It's a pretty crazy story, because God wanted, in leading them out, to give the Pharaoh a stubborn heart to chase them down. Ultimately, God could then put His Glory on display, and the Egyptians would believe that He was God.

However, when the Egyptians caught up to them in the wilderness, the Israelites were convinced that they'd been taken into the wilderness to die. They thought this was the end... verses before even have them "crying out in terror to God", in fear of the Egyptians.

(Don't worry, eventually God instructed Moses to part the sea, the Isrealites were led to safety and the Egyptian army was destroyed, but if you want all the details of that, check out http://biblegateway.com to read it - I definiately recommend the Message Version)

Let me ask you this... how much of the Israelites do you see in yourself? When you're afraid, do you cry out in terror to God, begging him for His aid? Or does your faith overpower your fear, and allow you to lay everything down at His feet, for Him to handle?

Of course, times have changed. No one is going to step into your life to "part the seas", if you will, but the bottom line is, God designed us to be conquerors. But He never intended for us to conquer this world on our own.

Don't ever forget about your ultimate Power. Even in the fire.

If God is for us, who could be against us? Romans 8:31

I Will Not Be Shaken

I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be
shaken, for He is right beside me.
- Psalm 16:8 (NLT)

God's word confirms what we tend to always forget; God is never absent. He's infinite, and dwells within.. even when we feel completely alone. Press on with confidence. If God seems far away... who moved?

Give It Away

Last night, we had the opportunity to hear from Pastor Tracey Armstrong. He pastors Citadel Church just right up the freeway in Des Moines. This is the second time I've heard him speak, and something happened within me, at a particular moment in the service. He was talking about saying yes. About saying YES as a church, and showing up with expectation levels soaring, so that God can show up and work through our lives, to reach others.

Tracey is the epitome of passion. Everything he does is purposeful, which is something that is so inspiring to me. I'm drawn to passion. He exudes it.

One of my favorite verses in the bible is from Mark, and Tracey's messages went hand in hand with this scripture. It says:

Don't run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I'll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to saving yourself, your true self. What good would it do to get everything you want and lose you, the real you? What could you ever trade your soul for? (MSG)

Lately I've been hearing so much about being "of the world", and honestly, that's not where I want to go with this post. That would be an entirely different post on its own. I think, when Tracey talked last night about laying it all down, he wanted us to stop wasting our lives living half-heartedly, in answering His call. We're chosen people, and chosen people are purposed to share Him with the world... and each gift may be a little bit different. We can all be shining examples of God, and each of our testimony is different for a reason. Your "harvest" is different than mine. Laying it down means putting aside selfish intentions, ambitious goals for success, and acknowledging our power as a church - as a collective body of Christ.

If someone has been saved by grace, time and time again - then their testimony will reach those who need to understand that you don't need to earn His love. It's impossible. We serve a God of grace, and grace means that no matter our sin, we're saved because of His ultimate sacrifice. But who can ever understand that, if we don't tell our story? The girl who dwells in her shame and thinks she's done far too much wrong to ever earn His love will never understand that his love transcends all humanity... what we've done doesn't matter. What we do, is what matters.

If someone has experienced His power of healing, how will someone else fighting a battle ever understand that our God is a God of miracles? How will they ever grasp that when we give up all hope... then that is when we truly begin to die? How will they ever understand that God WILL meet us at our expectation level. Only if we truly think something to be impossible for Him, will it be.

If I've changed because of God's love... then I need to give that love away. And I'm not necessarily talking in the physical sense. I'm talking about being love. I don't have to memorize scripture or remember the parables, word for word, that Jesus told. I don't have to speak to millions to save a soul. If someone is forever changed because of the love than envelopes them when they're in my presence, I'm living as He's designed me to live.

If, when I walk away, they feel that my presence is lingering around them and that they find themselves wondering, when I'm long gone... "what is it about her?" God didn't love me so I can bask in it alone. He loved me so that I could love others.

What good is His precious gift to the world, if I only take my share and allow others to fend for themselves? If I don't share what I've learned, what I've experienced... then it stops with me. And I won't allow my harvest to die.

I Told You So

I love inviting people to church. In fact, I do it daily. I ask God always, to show me where He wants me to be… teach me who He wants me to reach out to… show me what sort of connections He has predestined me to make. I love my church, and above all, I am passionate about my God. I crave for others to be sustained by the same peace, the same enveloping love, and the same motivation that I have, to know Him… intimately, at all times.

But, there’s one relationship in my life that I sort of allowed God take a backseat to. A close friendship, someone I assumed would never accept my invite to church, so I never asked. It wasn’t “her thing”, in my eyes. In fact, I was pretty sure she wouldn’t even take me seriously if I did. Her life is “full”; I knew her self-imposed strength would never allow her to feel weakened by the lack of His presence in her life. She’s the girl that everyone envies, because she “has it all”… she’s beautiful, smart, successful, strong.

In all the times that I asked God to show me who I was supposed to shine on, she was quickly dismissed from my mind. I almost would laugh… “God, really? No, no, no… that’s not happening.”

He reminded me over and over again that He would meet me at my expectation level. That, if I prayed for her, He would make it happen. I loved Him, I lived for Him, but somehow deep down, I had resigned myself to accept that she was someone that would never be moved by Him. Unless, of course, her life spiraled so out of control that she had nowhere else to go. So, I prayed for her – half-heartedly; out of obligation because it was the “right thing” to do. I didn’t believe it would happen, but I prayed for it anyway.

Have you ever been in a situation with one of your parents, where you KNOW what you’re supposed to do in a particular situation… they KNOW what you’re supposed to do… but no one says anything, because they know that the truth of the matter will be revealed to you in an “I told you so” moment?

Which, by the way, I loathe entirely. Especially if I’m not the one saying “I told you so”. Dumb.

So anyway, last night, I had an incredible “I told you so” moment with God.

When I got the text, asking for the name of my church, I felt God clear his throat, reminding me that He was there. I smiled, shook my head, and responded to her text.

When I told her Champion’s Centre, and asked her “how come?”… and she responded with nothing more than “I want to start going”… I felt God stretch, in the literal sense; nonchalantly, as if to say “yeah, she’s coming. It’s really no big deal. You can thank me later, daughter.”

I was sort of paralyzed at that moment - with a sense of shame, and amazement. How selfish of me to never ask Him to work in her life. How selfish of me to assume that He wasn’t strong enough to move in the lives of the most broken. How SMALL of me to assume that He wasn’t big enough to fill the hearts of even the people that didn’t know they hungered for Him.

I know she’s always believed in God, but something inside of her shifted… and she turned to me, in this realization.

Is it because I allowed my light to shine, even if from a distance? Am I really His hands, and His feet? Am I really the only glimpse of Jesus that people may ever see?

Yes. That’s who we are, and this is why.

The bottom line is, if I hadn’t resolved to living like He IS, than she never would have dialed me in her attempt to find Him. All of these years, she has been the one influencing others – in style, words, attitude and opinion. People looked to her, in search of these things. She’s a strong presence in this world.

Had I really been an influence… and hadn’t even realized it?

It reminds me of one of my favorite little quotes… “no amount of darkness can ever hide a sparkle of light.” No matter how small your light may feel when it’s oppressed by the ways of this world, don’t let it burn out. No matter how trivial your passion may feel, in a world so burdened with other things, don’t let it go. Don’t ever doubt Him, and His ability to reach the lost. Don’t ever put limits on His love. And most of all, don’t ever feel as if someone isn’t worth your prayers.

Give Him the credit He deserves.

A part of me knows that He thoroughly enjoyed proving me wrong last night. And that’s fine with me.

James 1:6-8

...be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. 7 Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8 Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do.

12 God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.

[James 1:6-8, 12 NLT]

How I'm Blessed

Do you want to know how I know I’m blessed?

I’m blessed because in the midst of trial and tribulation, there is an inner peace in my heart that is never shaken. Ask me about it.

I’m blessed because my friends and family respect me enough to come to me for advice, even if they don’t ever take it. Ask them about it.

I’m blessed because I’m no longer a victim to my fears; any of them. God has taken my hand willfully enough, on many occasions, and led me straight into the fire that was raging in my mind – and I’ve come out refined. Ask Him about it.

I’m blessed because I have an amazing, and ever-expanding group of people in my life that love and encourage me always; for every friend I thought I had that has proven to be nothing more than an illusion, He shows me one more person that I may have taken for granted from time to time, that was waiting in the wings for me to overcome myself.

I’m blessed because just when it feels like I can’t take another step, I’m renewed. Again, and again, and again.

I’m blessed because when I can’t seem to find the words to say, He always does.

I’m blessed because I’ve finally embraced my passion; I’ve recognized when and how to fan the flames of this fire when it rages within me.

I’m blessed because just when I think no one understands who, or why, I am; I find a verse in the Bible, or in my favorite song, that reminds me otherwise. Read about it.

I’m blessed because I get IT. I have IT. I see IT. I love IT, and cannot live without IT.

I’m blessed because I can see how far I have to go… and just how far I’ve come.

Matthew Barnett

Last night, Matthew Barnett spoke, and now i want more than anything to move to LA and spend every waking moment elevating the minds and bringing God closer to people on the streets who think that they're ALL that they're ever going to be.

...or maybe i can do that in Tacoma ;)

Seriously, beside Pastor Kevin, I don't think i've ever listened to someone that inspired me to be a better Christian as powerfully as Matthew Barnett did last night. Ok, maybe Carl Lentz... and Jodi.

Anyway, wow.

If you missed it... you missed out. I'm not going to make you feel better about this one and tell you just to come out this weekend for Michael Junior because it will be just as amazing (in a very different way) and blah blah blah. Nope... I'm not going to do that, because missing last night is very much your loss! Ha!

Anyway, Matthew Barnett.

Check him out online and maybe even DONATE DONATE DONATE to the cause: http://dreamcenter.org/

They just opened a second location in NYC... Times Square. Doing big things for God... I love it.

Live Out Loud... So Your Words Don't Have To

We’ve heard it time and time again: it’s not easy to be a Christian. Sometimes it’s confusing and emotional and trying to be a follower of Christ. We always find ourselves falling short, and the hardest thing to conquer seems to be the ability to open up your hands and let the world run through your fingers. Don’t close your fist; you’ll find yourself grasping onto things that have no place in your life. Living hard for him is easy… living easy for him is hard.

I want to talk about things I do that I apologize to God for… daily. Because the most intimate thing I’ve experienced is catching myself in the midst of a bad decision, a poor thought or a negative assumption; stopping myself, and turning to God to repent for my ways. I’m so happy to be nowhere near perfect. I’m so glad that He, like the perfect Father He is, just takes my shame, brushes it off and picks me back up to hold me tightly.

So. Here I go. The hardest thing for me, is people that claim to be Christian and then live completely the opposite. This, in itself, is a horrible statement for me to make – “claim” to be a Christian. My judgment of their heart is inappropriate, but my imperfection allows me to shutter at someone who lists “God or Jesus Christ” as their hero on Myspace, and then has profanity and pornography plastered everywhere else. Can someone who abuses drugs, makes poor decisions and worships sex really be a Christian? Can they really understand what it means to be a follower of Christ? Do they really get it? I get so confused when asking God how I need to handle these situations.

And, time and time again… I am painfully reminded, every time, of the verse in Romans 14.

4 Who are you to judge someone else's servant? To his own master he stands or falls. And he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand.

And

13 Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother's way.

They may not be walking a righteous path right now, but their decisions should never be something I take the time to judge or ridicule. Sure, I’d love to advise on what I believe is the correct path to being an obedient child of God, but God is the Ultimate Teacher. His lessons are far more powerful and effective than my own. I am humbled to remember this. Sometimes, knowing that I may be the only Jesus that someone ever sees, can overpower my position of obedience to His control over our lives. Just as wearing a cross around your neck doesn’t make you a Christian, advising someone to live a certain way as a Christian does no good until they come face to face with God Himself, and their heart is forever changed.

But imagine with me for a moment… you are at a concert; a small, intimate performance of your favorite group or artist. You’re front row, practically in the spotlight yourself, with the most amazing view and ability to really connect and appreciate. This is an artist you’ve followed for years; you pride yourself on knowing the ins and outs of THEM; their performances are something you wait impatiently for and buy tickets to months in advance. You know every song, every lyric and every chord. And if you don’t, you sure will by this time tomorrow. You sincerely appreciate their talent, and are so happy to be apart of their success.

Then, imagine, in the midst of your love and devotion – someone walks in, sits down next to you, and begins publicly deface your favorite artist. They talks about the horrible style of performance this time around. They start picking apart every moment of their performance; everything from deciding the singer sounds off key to noting the poor choice of dress for the entire band. They shake their head in disgust at the lighting, the sound, and even scoff at the people sitting in the room as “fans” of this group. Yet, this entire time, this apparent “fan” is wearing the band’s t-shirt. Owns all the CD’s. Travels to shows on occasion and even may have an autograph or two.

Wouldn’t this sort of thing just physically anger you?

Out of respect for God, and respect for my faith, it upsets me when people have the cross around their neck as a security blanket, or throw faith around as a strong defense when faced with trials… like that is all it takes to live for Him; like He is happy with you remembering on occasion and when it is convenient, that you are a child of God.

He’s not. He wants more from you, from all of us. We need to live out loud, so our words don’t have to.

So, when I forget this, and my words begin to live louder than my actions, I apologize to God… I apologize to God for not trusting him with His people, and not allowing Him to be the one to reach the lost. I may be His hands and feet, but He is the Saviour. Not me. He knows my heart, and when it breaks for Him. He knows when I hurt because He is hurting, and He knows when I ache for the lost to be found. So, I apologize. And l step back, and remember to let Him do His job.